But what I will say is that I promise to behave myself.
See, I've got a bit of a track record of misbehaving in fancy eateries.
Loving the food so much that I forget my surroundings often results in a few distasteful glances from fellow diners.
Like when I used my finger to mop up the last of some divine raspberry sorbet at Loch Fyne in Knowle. That one went down a treat. My better half said the couple on the next table just looked on, aghast.
So in a bid not to be banned from Purnell's - and to protect my loved ones from shame - I shall I obey this code of conduct (all which I am embarrassed to say I have previously broken).
- I will not overdose on the bread basket, even though it's 'complimentary'. Five exquisite rolls at The French Laundry and the waiting staff stopped asking if I 'cared for another'.
- I won't use my finger to clean out the pat of butter.
- I will not over-zealously guzzle my water so that when the ice and water reach the top of the glass it makes a loud and embarrassing noise.
- I will only use the cutlery provided to eat my food (no fingers, or chunks of bread French-style).
- I won't use the cutlery for any other purpose.
- I will only eat my own food and not that of my fellow diners.
- I will be mindful that I am about to eat a rich meal and my tummy might swell and will therefore dress appropriately (i.e. not my too-small size 8 dress).
- I won't use all the lotions and potions on offer in the restrooms. Other diners want to be able to smell their food, not my Eau De Cologne and Molton Brown hand cream.
- I shall only eat the number of petit fours I can manage. It is not imperative to clear the plate.
- I will not try and discreetly pinch any souvenirs of my experience. I am still ashamed that The French Laundry's Maitre d' saw me slipping one of their iconic wooden pegs used to hold their napkins into my purse.